H7 Story: Made Perfect In Weakness

Hello, my name is Melissa Marrs, and I have a new life in Christ. I am in recovery for the root idols of pride, acceptance, comfort, and control.

I was an only child of a newly divorced mom who used fear, shame, and guilt as her parenting tools. As a child, I remember being fearless and having a great imagination. I did not grow up in a Christian home, but I was able to attend different churches in my childhood by attending with friends and neighbors. I actually accepted Christ at Awana when I was about 10 or 11.

I learned at a young age that my behavior affected others’ moods around me. My mom was often angry, and when I made mistakes, she would tell others about it so they could laugh and ridicule me. She would also refuse affection as punishment. I never had a clear idea of what I could or couldn’t do to upset her, so I learned to pretend to be whatever and whomever she wanted. I learned to lie very well.

As I grew older, I was sure that if anyone knew the truth about me and if I stayed long enough, they would reject me, shame me, or gossip about me. I was also a latchkey kid, so my mom was at work a lot, and I was home alone. Since I did have such a great imagination, I would go on adventures in the neighborhood. This often led me into some sort of abuse by strangers. I was instructed at the time not to say anything, or I would be in trouble and my mom would be hurt, so I didn’t say anything. I was pretty sure that it was my fault. I shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

It wasn’t until an incident happened when I was 17 that I remembered all of this. I did say something that day. I was told that I was a liar, and my mom kicked me out of the house for the remainder of my senior year of high school. I became so numb at that moment. I had so much anxiety that I felt like my skeleton was going to jump out of my skin.
I began searching for a way out of my life, out of my house. I began looking to family, to old friends, to old churches, but nothing happened. No one helped. I began working on relationships. I learned how to please people. I pretended to be whatever or whomever they wanted. If I developed real feelings for them, I would disappear. It was easier for me to leave, and it was safer. If it got too violent or there was conflict, I would just disappear.
This pretending caused me to be abused a lot more. I even allowed it to happen, thinking it was required to receive love, safety, and comfort. I lived my life in a way that held others at a distance out of fear of being hurt. I was quick with my words and used them as weapons and defense.

I did, however, find a few people who loved Jesus. The light in them and the love they showed me were something I had never experienced in my life. I wanted it, but I didn’t know how to have it. So I thought maybe if I just got close enough to them, it would rub off and I could experience it through them, all the while hiding in the shadows, afraid they would see who I really was. I believed that I was the one who made others not like me. It was something I did or didn’t do, and I believed that God didn’t like me either.
I was under the impression that I had too much sin to be loved by God. I had done too many things to be forgiven, so I needed to do more good. But this is, and was, a lie. First Peter 2:9 tells me, “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare His praises, the praises of Him who called you out of darkness and into His wonderful light.”

After decades of running from conflict to conflict, from one uncomfortable situation to another, and after failing in two other marriages, I was finally faced with a conflict in my current marriage. In that moment, I heard all the tapes of my childhood play in my head. It’s what I call quicksand. In that moment, I actually considered suicide as an option. I knew then that I needed Jesus. I prayed to Him, and He led me to FCC.

Throughout my recovery process, I learned how to trust the Lord, the freedom that comes from confessing sins to others, and the joy and safety that come from a Christ-centered community. This was not simple for me. It required a lot of effort on my part to be here at re:gen. I had to pray to walk in the door. I had to pray to sit down. I had to pray to stay, to participate honestly, and to come back the next week.

My biggest struggle was fear—fear of men, fear of women, especially fear of Christian women. There I was, sitting in a group, thinking that if they knew I had two abortions, two failed marriages, and all this abuse, I would surely be asked to leave. Plus, I didn’t have a mentor, and I didn’t know anyone in Tennessee. With all of this trauma and abuse in my background, I was sure there was no mentor who would be ready for me.

But God reminded me again and again: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” I prayed to Him about all of my fears and concerns.

My first prayer request in my group was that I would fall in love with the Word of God again and eliminate anything that got in my way. He was faithful and answered that prayer. I devoured the Word of God. God values me! I marked my Bible in case I forgot in moments of quicksand. Then I marked another Bible, and another one.

All through recovery, I lived in steps one, two, and three. Each new step brought me back to one, two, and three. I always had to admit, believe, and trust. For me, I knew I had to trust God, and I had to trust that He would use whatever came out of this, good or bad, for His glory.

Still, step five (we confess to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our sins) was causing a lot of restlessness in me. When you confess, you agree with God about your rebellion, realize your need for God’s mercy, and receive God’s grace through Christ. I was feeling that anxiety and that need to run again, but that never really helped me. So I prayed to the Lord instead, and I asked, “Why am I so afraid? What am I afraid of? Lord, show me what I need to do and why I’m afraid of this.”

He was faithful to show me. I had a fear of authority, but the Lord showed me that all authority here was put in place by Him, and I needed to trust Him and obey my leaders.
So I had a choice. I could complete the step and complete re:gen, or I could run away again. I completed step five. It was not at all like I imagined. I want to tell you the acronym for fear: FEAR stands for false evidence appearing real. It was all in my head. I came up with the greatest story, and it was nothing like what I created.

After completing step five, I became a member at FCC. This is when everything changed for me.

Since completing re:gen, my life is different, but God is not done with me yet. I am no longer hindered by the fear of man. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
I no longer hide in the shadows, too afraid to make eye contact or share the story of what God has done in my life. Psalm 51:12–13 says, “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors Your ways so that sinners will turn back to You.”

Things have changed a lot since my first commencement. There were times when it felt very uncomfortable, and I felt like running away and quitting. But instead, I prayed about it. I got into the Word, and if I needed to, I sought biblical counsel.

I have learned how to set healthy boundaries, how to stay within my circle of responsibility, and, most of all, I have learned I am no longer defined by my past trauma and abuse. I can now boast in my weakness because Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness.
I am now a victor in Christ.

If I could encourage you with one thing, it would be this: don’t run. Trust the Lord, because He promises in Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with your whole heart.”