H7: I've Learned Who I Am in Christ
Carlene Stanton grew up in the church. She knew God and was saved and baptized in elementary school, however she also began to struggle with depression, anxiety, and a negative self-image from a very young age. “I always assumed there was something wrong with me,” Carlene reflected. “Christians weren’t supposed to have those kinds of problems, right?”
Instead of meeting herself with compassion, she grew to hate herself. “In high school, I started to doubt what I was taught in church was true. Those doubts led me away from God and I spiraled into what felt like a consuming cloud of darkness.” Carlene even turned to drugs and self-harm as a way to cope with the emptiness and despair she felt. As she grew into adulthood, her relationship with God was touch and go. “I had periods of closeness with God, and times I walked away from him. I had always had this vision of who I should be, where I should be in life, and how I should feel and act, and none of my reality hit the mark. Every day was proof that I could never attain the perfection I thought I had to be or do to be accepted as ‘good enough.’” Any conviction Charlene felt was interpreted through that lens. Because of the negative view she had of herself, she desperately looked for acceptance and love apart from God, many times sacrificing my own identity and beliefs just to have a relationship.
These feelings carried into her married life where the dysfunction of her marital life become an idol to her. “It consumed me every second of every day … To most people, all looked well, but most had no idea what was going on in our home. I did my best to hide my misery and put the happy face on. I had tried various types of counseling, self-help books and reached out on several occasions to people in our church. Though my church family meant well, they were unable to listen or be okay with my big emotions but tried to ‘fix’ me which resulted in shutting my emotions down. This caused me to feel like I was ‘too much’ and feel even more vulnerable and misunderstood.”
It was at this point that Carlene felt like she wanted to just give up on life. She had no purpose or joy and felt alone even when surrounded by people. She became suicidal and was trying to escape feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness by using food, sleep, alcohol, and pain pills. “I felt like God had abandoned me,” she reflected. “My response was to abandon God. I pulled away from all involvement in my church and eventually stopped attending. I avoided any contact with church, or anyone I thought might be ‘churchy’. I couldn’t stand to read or hear His Word. My love for music died, and I stopped singing. I had a period of months where I didn't speak unless I had to. I didn’t want anyone to pray for me. I saw God as a condemning Father, who constantly pointed his finger and shook his head at me in shame, disgust, and disappointment.”
Charlene originally came to Re:gen seeking to fix the circumstances surrounding her marriage and relief from the mental and emotional pain she felt. “It was my last attempt to reach out for help,” Charlene explained. “I feared being misunderstood, rejected, or judged. I was afraid it would be just like all my other failed attempts for help. As much as I longed to be known and seen, I was scared to share with anyone.”
Charlene said that the first few weeks of Re:gen were awkward & uncomfortable. However, she kept showing up, and God slowly helped her find friendships in her small group and find willingness to share with others. “I found authentic Christian community … and eventually became willing to attend church and even life group.” Those connections stopped allowing Charlene to hide. She would get texts and phone calls and even had a Re:gen friend come to her house one Monday night when she didn’t show up. “I now have accountability and people who genuinely care about my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health," Carlene added.
Charlene is so thankful for the desperation God allowed in her life as He used it to lead her to where she is now. “He has shown me a real authentic Christian community which was a gaping hole in my life. It is such a blessing to ‘do life’ with others, to have others pray for you when you can’t, to encourage you with God’s word, to call you out in love as brothers and sisters in Christ, to cry with you, to laugh with you, and to allow themselves to be known as well.”
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
If you, like Carlene, are struggling, need community, and just feel empty, we invite you to come any Monday night from 6:30-8:30p. You will Never Be The Same. fccgreene.org/regen
Instead of meeting herself with compassion, she grew to hate herself. “In high school, I started to doubt what I was taught in church was true. Those doubts led me away from God and I spiraled into what felt like a consuming cloud of darkness.” Carlene even turned to drugs and self-harm as a way to cope with the emptiness and despair she felt. As she grew into adulthood, her relationship with God was touch and go. “I had periods of closeness with God, and times I walked away from him. I had always had this vision of who I should be, where I should be in life, and how I should feel and act, and none of my reality hit the mark. Every day was proof that I could never attain the perfection I thought I had to be or do to be accepted as ‘good enough.’” Any conviction Charlene felt was interpreted through that lens. Because of the negative view she had of herself, she desperately looked for acceptance and love apart from God, many times sacrificing my own identity and beliefs just to have a relationship.
These feelings carried into her married life where the dysfunction of her marital life become an idol to her. “It consumed me every second of every day … To most people, all looked well, but most had no idea what was going on in our home. I did my best to hide my misery and put the happy face on. I had tried various types of counseling, self-help books and reached out on several occasions to people in our church. Though my church family meant well, they were unable to listen or be okay with my big emotions but tried to ‘fix’ me which resulted in shutting my emotions down. This caused me to feel like I was ‘too much’ and feel even more vulnerable and misunderstood.”
It was at this point that Carlene felt like she wanted to just give up on life. She had no purpose or joy and felt alone even when surrounded by people. She became suicidal and was trying to escape feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness by using food, sleep, alcohol, and pain pills. “I felt like God had abandoned me,” she reflected. “My response was to abandon God. I pulled away from all involvement in my church and eventually stopped attending. I avoided any contact with church, or anyone I thought might be ‘churchy’. I couldn’t stand to read or hear His Word. My love for music died, and I stopped singing. I had a period of months where I didn't speak unless I had to. I didn’t want anyone to pray for me. I saw God as a condemning Father, who constantly pointed his finger and shook his head at me in shame, disgust, and disappointment.”
Charlene originally came to Re:gen seeking to fix the circumstances surrounding her marriage and relief from the mental and emotional pain she felt. “It was my last attempt to reach out for help,” Charlene explained. “I feared being misunderstood, rejected, or judged. I was afraid it would be just like all my other failed attempts for help. As much as I longed to be known and seen, I was scared to share with anyone.”
Charlene said that the first few weeks of Re:gen were awkward & uncomfortable. However, she kept showing up, and God slowly helped her find friendships in her small group and find willingness to share with others. “I found authentic Christian community … and eventually became willing to attend church and even life group.” Those connections stopped allowing Charlene to hide. She would get texts and phone calls and even had a Re:gen friend come to her house one Monday night when she didn’t show up. “I now have accountability and people who genuinely care about my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health," Carlene added.
Charlene is so thankful for the desperation God allowed in her life as He used it to lead her to where she is now. “He has shown me a real authentic Christian community which was a gaping hole in my life. It is such a blessing to ‘do life’ with others, to have others pray for you when you can’t, to encourage you with God’s word, to call you out in love as brothers and sisters in Christ, to cry with you, to laugh with you, and to allow themselves to be known as well.”
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
If you, like Carlene, are struggling, need community, and just feel empty, we invite you to come any Monday night from 6:30-8:30p. You will Never Be The Same. fccgreene.org/regen